His Grace

Brenna is 3 months old today!!

I just don't believe it.  It seems like years ago that I found out I was pregnant with her.  It was such a surprise.  The pregnancy was such a long, frightening journey that weighed on my heart and my soul.   The fear throughout my pregnancy was constant.  The reality that I was having a baby was denied.  Yet, here she is...a very healthy little girl. I am blessed beyond measure...through His grace.  As a thank you, Miss Brenna's middle name is Grace.  I hope that everytime I say, "Brenna Grace", that I remember how much He believes in me, how much He has blessed me and how much He, with all of my other angels, guides me.  I can see her getting in trouble in a few years and me sternly saying, "Brenna Grace McClellan".  I hope that I smile and remember back to the day she was born - how I laid there with no control over her well-being, with tons of emotion, praying consistently that He would protect her - no matter the outcome - and He did. I hope that I always remember to seek His grace in times where I feel like I have no balance, where the trials at work and at home seem like too much and in the times that I question every decision I have ever made.

I go back to work tomorrow - I hope that He watches over Jason, Conner, Drew, Brenna and me as we transition.  I am going to miss being home with the kids more than words can say.  I will miss knowing Brenna's every cue, seeing her smile when she wakes up, being her go-to person and playing with her.  I will miss Conner running in from school to show me his new project, his eyes as he helped me make breakfast and dinner and his constant questions about anything and everything.  I will miss playing with Drew - even though I played river monsters, deer hunter, duck dynasty, cabellas and monster trucks over 5,000 times, I will miss it.  I will miss Drew holding me when he needed a nap but didn't want to take one and I will miss reading to him at those times and watching his eyes get heavy.  I know I will miss many things I can't even think of right now. However, I am blessed in that I realize the true value of the time I had at home.  There wasn't a day that I didn't value.  Even though the days were long (sometimes very long) I knew that my time at home was short.  I knew that the true value of my maternity leave would never be known until the day I returned to work.  I knew that I needed to cherish the time with my family - even when it was difficult, even when the boys were fighting, even when I was tired and even when nothing I did went well.  I knew all along that my love would deepen and that my heart would break when I had to return and that I needed to slow down, to watch everything, to take it all in and value the time- each and every second.

I can imagine that tomorrow morning, after I get dressed in my business clothes for the first time in awhile, after I put on make up (new make-up!!), after I put on the heels that I now dread, after I go in and lightly kiss the boys goodbye on their forehead and after I feed Brenna and lay her down and rub my hand over hers - I will relive little moments - those moments that I promised, from day one of my leave, that I would remember: how Brenna smiles right when shes done eating even though she is asleep, how she squaks when she is hungry, how she almost jumps when she sees me; how excited Conner is to go fishing, how big his eyes are when he laughs, how sad he gets when things don't go his way; how funny Drew can be, how he moves his hips to all music (including the phone ringing, commercials and the music he hears in his head), how one day I am his best friend and he tells me so 100 times and then quickly he tells me he won't be my best friend if I don't give him candy.  I know that my heart will break but I also know how blessed I am and how blessed my children are.  I have an amazing job and work with wonderful friends.  My children get to be home when they are not in school.  So many people love my children and help us to raise them.  I thank God for my time at home, for making me realize that a very young age that time is valuable and most of all: for blessing me with His grace, over and over and over again.